When I was younger, I thought protesting was the way to go. Viva la freedom of expression! Let’s criticise the government! Let’s spread the awareness of how messed up the government is! And on and on and on..

As I grow older, I had one of the greatest epiphany; what are we protesting the government for anyway? We’re suppose to be helping them. Yes, a lot is really messed up with our government, but. Do you really think that by protesting and just mere criticising them will help make the situation better? Does protesting really make a difference? Do violent marches and speeches help our country? 

Those are the questions that I’ve asked myself quite recently.

I don’t mind the constructive criticising of us as civilians. But I am against the violent protests that some have condoned.

Yes. Our government system is corrupted, highly immoral, has no principles nor values, and is just ineffective and unprofessional. But not all of the government officials are like that. Some figures are still the inspirational, principled person who’s really trying to change the system.

And well, that’s all we have right now. That’s why instead of just protesting violently, and doing all these so-called freedom-of-expression-that-are-really-just-spreading-violence-scheme, we should just stop for a second.

There are only two things we should be doing right now; 1) be patient (though I know this is impossible), and 2) help out in our own ways.

The development of a country is not a one-year transformation, nor even a 5-year one. It takes years and years, and the government’s gonna make a whole lot of mistakes along the way. If we can just stop mere blaming our government and stop go all violent, the process would be much faster.

Take the whole situation of the BBM for example. Of course, I still do care about the certain proportion of our civilians who can’t afford the rise of the price. And yes, I do realise that the rise of BBM also means, a chain reaction towards the prices of other goods & services.

But, the violent, wheel-burnin’ protests done by some university students was just all wrong. I do understand their anger and frustration with our somewhat stagnant economic situation. But what good will it do. Public buildings were wrecked, and the civilians that they were supposed to be the voice of, fled and ran, scared by the angry mob they took form of. 

BBM prices have been rising all over the world. Indonesia’s BBM prices are among the lowest in the world actually. Of course, this fact of comparison is useless when our own civilians are having a hard time to afford it. The thing is, it’s not only the Indonesian government that’s rising their BBM prices. All other countries are too. It’s not just an Indonesian issue and a further reflection of how messed up our government is. It’s a world issue.

And I’m sure that the top economic advisors for our country has really thought this through.. If we don’t rise our BBM prices, what sectors would be compensated? What if more important sectors are compensated, such as education, or the military sector? 

The thing is, the government is doing their best. This is the best we have right now. Our reformation is still in the beginning phase. It takes a long time to slim down our bureaucracies and make it effective; the civil servants’ mindset that has been built up by the New Order regime cannot be erased in a mere short time.

Imagine us generation, just going on and on with the violent protests. Where would  we end up in our years to come? Instead of moving on with our country development, we would still be stuck with this violent aggression towards the government. Whether we like it or not, we have to stop all these emotional fuels that have, and try to help out the government, using our cool logic, and a desire to move forward.

Last note; We can’t put all the blame to SBY. This guy has a lot to handle. I’m sure he’s doing everything that he can to fix all these different sectors that’s messed up in our country.

So for this past month, I’ve been assigned my very first formal job: being a lecturer’s assistant! Okay, I know I’m 21 and this is veery late for being my first job, but hey, when your mother has a good intention of you focusing on education this is what happens. (Not that I’m complaining about that Mum ;))

The lecturer that I’m being assistant to is Prof. Bob Sugeng Hadiwinata, aka Mas Bob, as we students like to call him. He’s a combination between a brilliant mind and a really nice guy.

(I googled pics of Mas Bob and this is what I came up with, lol)

Being a lecturer’s assistant in my campus is pretty much like a very free freelance.. Not that I’ve ever done freelance, but it really is, maybe being Mas Bob’s assistant and all, consisting of a lot of free time. I’ve helped given suggestions for students marks (only suggestions of course, Mas Bob makes the final call), and delivered letters, and keep him schedule on track, but apart from that, it’s been pretty much leisure time and hanging out in his office. Which is pretty fun.

This job has a pretty formal construction from campus though. I have a contract of 1 year (which I’m amending to 6 months to Mas Bob), and a time frame of a few hundred hours per month (I forgot the details). But Mas Bob is pretty much flexible in these terms. Oh and the pay is pretty good too. :))

But what I really love about being a lecturer’s assistant is the time I spend with this brilliant mind of Mas Bob. I mean, I’ve had so many classes with him, this year is the only year that I haven’t had his class for every semester. I love consulting on him for my future career, gossiping (yes he does gossip! aha), and just random talks. Oh, and also as absence on me ‘nge-kost’, with being a lecturer’s assistant, there’s a greater mobility if there’s any campus businesses, or just plain bumping into friends. Hoho.

Overall, it’s been really good and satisfying being a lecturer’s assistant. It’s not physically demanding, it’s got good, flexible hours, and I’ve got a really sweet lecturer as my boss. :)))

I’m a girl with a lot of anxiety. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s got something to do with being a total perfectionist. Maybe I think too much about all these worst-case scenarios when I do something. Or maybe I’m just a girl with a lot of insecurities.

Who knows. All I know is that it’s not only me. I’ve seen lots of my girlfriends being ridden with anxiety. And they all have different ways into dealing with them. Some hurt themselves, some goes full-mode into OCD, some does crazy, wild things to cover up their anxiety.

It’s sad to see us girls having so many anxiety. I know a lot of girls who are basically flawless, yet are prone to asking “was this good enough?”, “did I do it perfect?”, or any unsatisfied calling towards their work.

Sometimes being smart, pretty, nice, fashionable, leadership-material, can never be  enough. Sometimes everything that we’ve achievedis ever good enough.

Even the lives of the rich and famous can’t seem to escape from this. Some girl celebrities I’ve seen, who are wildly successful and talented and seemingly living the perfect life, are seen with anxiety attacks.

Maybe we can blame the mass media. The media, with their definition of ‘beauty’ (which constantly changes in every period), defines the image of ‘perfect girls’ in cinemas, TV shows, everywhere. And these portrayals, well, are basically impossible to live up to. 

Or maybe we can blame our parents? Some parents have high-expectations, of course. Maybe we have the  need of valuing or self-worth to whatever makes them satisfied. 

Maybe some guy criticised us. Especially when you’re in a relationship, whatever criticism (or non-intentional criticism) can go on and on in our thoughts.

Or maybe, we can blame ourselves, for letting ourselves become riddled with anxiety? That we constantly put ourselves down as we compare ourselves with other girls, downsizing our qualities to theirs.

I don’t know who it is that we can ‘blame’. Maybe it’s a mixture of all of those above. All I know is that, we just have to deal with it our own ways. Whatever our own ways is. (Does that seem mildly vague to you??) Haha.

I’ve heard that when you get older, it gets better. I sure do hope so.

I guess life is about seeing our ‘imperfections’ turn into something that we love.

What happens when something bad happens to you? Something that would make your heart stop, and dreadful things all rush into your thoughts?

If something bad happens, I would go over to the wise words of men like Eckhart Tolle and Krishnamurti and go, nothing bad is happening. Bad is just an illusion. Good is also just an illusion. I tried to force acceptance into whatever shitty situation I was in. Of course, spirituality teachings also state, you also have to accept the emotions turmoil that you have. In Tolle in particular, you have to feel the angry emotions in your body. Oh I feel it alright. Once you’ve felt all those negative emotions, now it’s time to feel ease, calm and serenity.

The thing is, I suppose, is that I’ve never actually felt real ease and that whole calmness-like state. I’ve been forcing myself too hard to ‘act’ calm. Because really, when you’re in that frantic moment all shuffling about, the worst thing you can do  is add another layer of forced emotions to ‘act’ calm. That’s why, in my opinion, when I’m panicking or nervous or whatever, the thing to do is let myself panic. To let myself be in a nervous state. Just think, yeah, I am panicking. So what? And that actually lifts the burden of being ‘calm’ or anything else for that matter. But of course, I don’t go and lose my head altogether and act crazy. :p

So I guess, the moral of the story is, feel whatever you’re feeling. Don’t go and act the other way. I think it’s better to show us for what we really are, instead of putting an act. I mean, after all, we’re only human, aren’t we? Shouldn’t we just show our fragility and just show to people that basically what we’re feeling?

Okay, here I go rambling on again. Haha okay I don’t want to burden you readers about all of this, so I’m going to stop.